New Year, New Me?

 

IMG_6647It’s amazing what a simple date change can do to people. Not a single time in my life have I met someone who would say “Whoa, August 12th is right around the corner, I will be starting from scratch – quit smoking, start learning Portuguese and will call my grandma every Saturday”. Not a single time – neither for August 12th, nor for April 17th…  At the same time my husband seems to be the only person I know who does not do any resolutions on New Year Night – the rest of the people around me take their notepads out, pull up the Notes on their phones or tablets and start a list of all the good things they want to have and achieve in the year to come. I’m no exception. My iPhone is full of notes on my resolutions and goals from 2012, 2013, 2014…

For some reason this time around I did not feel like making a list of resolutions. Not because I won’t stick to them anyways – as a matter of fact I accomplish at least 70% of them – but just because I felt different this time.

2015 wasn’t a bad year, but I don’t think I will miss it. It was full of events, friends’ visits and exciting travels, my loved ones were overall healthy and relatively happy, but 2015 did not feel like WOW!-year. It was too hectic and busy, oftentimes for no reason, just the ones I made up myself. At times it felt like I was chasing the runaway train and each time I managed to jump in on board I realized it was not going where I wanted to go.

There won’t be New Year New Me in 2016. It will still be same me – obsessed with to-do lists, filling up my – and other people’s calendars with events and invites, occasionally stressing out over the fact that I am not moving ahead as fast as I think I should. Being upset there are only 24 hours in a day. Sleep-deprived. I don’t even dare to pretend this all will go away, ’cause I know at most part it won’t. But I hope it to be a more mindful me. The one takes time to slow down – at least sometimes. The one that appreciates the beauty of emptiness and nothingness. The one that does not feel guilty for wasting the time when she is not doing 3 things at the same time. The one that finally starts writing regularly. The one that dares to chase this one dream. We will see how it all goes:)

I am sitting between the fireplace and the Christmas tree, listening to the wood cracking, feeling the smell of fir tree that reminds me so much of my childhood, enjoying the warmth of my fluff ball Alissa who is sleeping right next to me. I am savoring this very moment, not rushing to the next item on my to-do list. Baby-steps.

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